Reminder of God’s Goodness

I think it's interesting how the Bible opens where God as the center of everything good. As he speaks and forms creation, he often, in many verses, uses the term, "It is good." But how does He define goodness? Scripture presents us with this layout: Goodness is defined by God, who is above all else good.

When I think about my own life, there were a lot of things that did not allude to the fact that I was a recipient of the goodness of God. I was searching in every area of what might pertain to God's goodness, yet there were very few. Thus, I concluded that God was not good to me but to everyone around me.

Growing up, we had very little money, very little space, and I had very little room to convey these emotions that I had felt. I felt wronged because my life did not reflect all that I believed it could be. In a more literal sense, I felt robbed by God as if the only bad hand that was left was dealt solely for me and my family. So, when the enemy presented me with a scheme of sexual sin, I began to believe the lie and lived in it for almost 20 years.

The door of pornography was opened, and I began to take pleasure in my own goodness and hide behind a lie that told me if only it would be good for a little while, then it would be better than no happiness at all. I inwardly hid my outrage with God for how I never seemed or felt good enough to be offered His goodness. Lie after lie, the enemy wrapped me in his web of destruction.

While I maintained good grades and a solid outward appearance, deep down I was troubled by the fact that I now had a reason why God did not and would not accept me. Nevertheless, I tried offering myself anyway—saying things like, "If you really loved me; you would take it away from me," writing hundreds of pages of anger, disillusionment, sadness, and grief for how this small thing had turned my life exactly as I pictured it was intended, but this time it was actually worse and affecting every area of my life.

And then I came to a point where I no longer wanted to sin against God. But how can a sinner turn away from their very nature in which they were formed? Simple: Seek God's face. Not the God that the enemy had shown me for so many years.